Morning of Orientation

Am I ready for this? Can I do this? How do I feel?


NO! I HOPE! And Nervous AS HELL!

Right now I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I'm notorious for anxiety attacks. More so because of having Crohn's disease and always needing to know where a bathroom is at all times. It's always the first thing I map out in a new restaurant, store, fair, amusement park....any place public. For goodness sakes on my wedding day, as I'm about to walk down the isle, I started freaking out! My bridesmaids had to lift up my dress and help me sit on the potty. The only images I had pounding inside my head, besides the horrible cold I had in the middle of June, were of me at the alter asking the minister to hold one second while I ran back up the isle to use the toilet! All the while I'm freaking and my girls are trying to calm me, Rob and all the grooms men were standing at the alter!! Yep...and you guys were wondering what took us ladies so long to get started! Now you know why it was such a quick wedding! (Some have called it one of the fastest weddings they'd ever attended!)

Well people, anxiety sucks! It's also very real, not some made up health symptom made up to sell more prescription drugs! Right now I'm about to have one massive anxiety attack that could cause me to run off to the bathroom not to crap, but to puke! I hate puking with a passion! That horrible metal taste in my mouth that only leads to cotton mouth. Puking due to anxiety isn't as much fun as puking from drinking too much the night before. At least if I were puking from drinking too much it was because I had one hell of a night out on the town. But as my tummy is turning and twisting into lots of miniature knots, new visions of me falling to the ground having a massive heart attach seep into my head with one huge headache to help out the anxiety of the morning. For the love of God girl BREATHE DAMN IT! BREATHE!

Time out. Let me answer the phone...

10 minutes later...
Okay...so in the middle of typing this little blog Rob called. He called to wish me luck and tell me that I'll do fine. How does he do that? Most of the time he knows exactly what to say to calm my nerves. I said MOST of the time, not all the time. This time he was on target! I must admit he was really good, because he did it all the way from Chicago, IL!

I didn't see it!

Went in for that photo. Nope...didn't look at it. Not sure I ever want to. Then again I thought I'd take my own at home and take photos each week. Uh...too much? Yeah, I think so too.

The next question...do I dare share with the world my measurements, weight and all that before stuff? Uh...I seriously don't want to. However,  it might be an idea I should toss around this evening. Hummm...it would make me accountable and would really show the true story of my journey. I'd also be embarrassed beyond belief! So do any of you have any thoughts about this? Would you share or not?

Day Before the BIG Photo

Yep, tomorrow is the day I go in for that not looking forward to, so wonderful BEFORE photo. A little part of me is looking forward to it. Another part of me is going oh crap! What do I wear? Then there is little tiny part of me going, “Why am I doing this? I pray NO ONE sees this photo!” Ah…but no one will IF I don’t win! But damn! Wouldn’t it be nice to have a $1,000 in my pocket for that awesome trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico in September? Crap! I’ve got to win and damn it, people have to see that photo!

So, I don't own a bikini. Seriously, why would I own one? I'm a big girl, with rolls, stretch marks and scars. One of those lovely scars runs a few inches up above my belly button, around it and several inches below it. Not the typical scar one would get when having her appendix removed! At the time the doctors were going in to do exploratory surgery to find out why I was having so much abdominal pain. Anyway, that's a story for another day. The scar became a permanent marking back in August of 2001 and left me in the hospital for almost a week. The only good part is that it saved my life.

Below that, under that bottom fat roll, is the incision from my left to right. That is where Miss Emilie was delivered. Yes, via c-section on June 30, 2006. I love that scar because it brought the most beautiful baby girl into my life! So there...my reasons for not owning a bikini.

What should a girl do when needing to have such a revealing photo taken? Do I go in my unflattering tan bra and granny panties? Should I sport a sports bra with some cute little boy short underwear? Maybe the sports bra, but the boy short underwear might be a little too much. Shorts. Regular green shorts! There we go! The before picture outfit is picked out. I'm sure as heck not buying a bikini that hopefully would be way too big for me in a few months and most likely something I'd never wear anyway!